Jewish Elders Lift 6,000-Year Ham Ban

[CrackSmokeRepublican]

Jewish Elders Lift 6,000-Year Ham Ban

September 30, 1998 | Issue 34•09

JERUSALEM—Ending a strict, six-millennia prohibition of the consumption of cloven-hoofed beasts, the World Rabbinical Council announced Tuesday that Jews worldwide may "dig in to the delicious taste of ham."



 Jewish Elders Lift 6,000-Year Ham Ban

Members of the World Rabbinical Council, moments after voting to end 6,000 years of ham prohibition.

"The Jewish people have always had the utmost reverence for the laws of God, as handed down from Abraham to his son Isaac, to his son Jacob. However, from time to time, it is necessary to make slight revisions and modernizations to these laws," said council president Rabbi Menachem Saperstein, sucking on a hambone, his white beard soaked with succulent ham drippings. "As no less a Talmudic scholar than Moses Maimonides once wrote, 'Change is the way of the Lord.'"

Added Saperstein, "Mmm... this is some tasty ham."

According to Rabbi David Feinberg, head of the American Congress of Orthodox Rabbis, the newly approved ham will be incorporated into a number of Jewish customs.

"During the Passover seder, which commemorates our people's deliverance from slavery in Egypt, we will remember the day God brought us unto the Land of Milk and Honey by drinking a tall glass of milk with a thick slice of honey-glazed ham," Feinberg said. "And joining the charoses and maror on the seder plate will be a ham roll, symbolizing the juicy, mouth-watering taste of freedom."

Feinberg also noted that an abbreviated version of Passover, to be called Hamover, will be observed on the third Saturday of every month. The new holiday, he said, will involve "the eating of tons of ham."

Saperstein will officially announce all the changes to the dietary code next Friday during a World Rabbinical Council cookout at the Wailing Wall. Though some of the details have yet to be worked out, most notably those involving the kosher status of redeye gravy and the Talmudic interpretation of "all the trimmings," Saperstein said he would stress the important role ham has played in his people's ancient roots.

"As it is written in Genesis, Noah had a much-beloved son named Ham, who was the father of all Canaan," Saperstein said. "From this day forth, we shall honor Noah's greatest son by partaking of the flesh which shares his name."

Enlarge Image Jewish Elders Lift 6,000-Year Ham Ban jump

Rabbis break their Yom Kippur fast with delicious Manischewitz-brand bacon.

Saperstein also noted that the complex genealogies of the Pentateuch lend credence to the theory that Abraham bore a son named Bakon, and that one of David's in-laws was known as Zebulon Bar-Sausage.

Shortly following the announcement, Orthodox Jews across the country stormed grocery stores, feverishly buying up all the ham they could carry.

"Canned ham, smoked ham, sliced ham, potted ham, ham loaf—they were all flying out of here," said Chris Dinardo, manager of a butcher shop in Borough Park, a Hasidic neighborhood in Brooklyn. "Just last week, those same customers would stare longlingly at those hams for hours before slumping off with a roast turkey."

"Last night, five or six of those fellas with the long beards and black hats came in here and ran up a $564 bill," said Jack Burkett, owner of Smoky Jack's BBQ in Rocky Mount, NC. "Every time we'd bring them a plate, they'd just choke out the words, 'More pig,' between bites."

Though the departure from traditional kosher law may seem like a radical change, Jewish elders point out precedents such as 1977's experimental Yom Lobster holiday, and stress that Judaism is not above modification.

"The original codes were set down thousands of years ago by a nomadic people with no knowledge of refrigeration, preservatives or disease control," said Rabbi Eliyahu Baruch of Yeshiva University. "While we retain many of these traditions to honor our ancestors and our God, we recognize that they are unnecessary from a practical standpoint. Have you ever smelled bacon frying? Oy, vey, how my mouth waters."

"For six millennia, the story of the Jewish people has been the story of survival," Baruch said. "But even the most indestructible race would lose their will to live after 6,000 years of brisket."

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30123    

[CrackSmokeRepublican]

Not so funny in the days of white phosphorous bombs...

------

Fox Defends Airing Of When Jews Attack

LOS ANGELES—In the face of widespread public outcry, Fox TV executives spoke out Monday in defense of last week's airing of When Jews Attack.

The hour-long, Robert Urich-hosted show—which its detractors are decrying as "shock TV at its basest" and "a sickening appeal to voyeuristic, lowest-common denominator tendencies"—features explicit, uncensored video footage of enraged Jews violently striking out at others.

"For the next hour, what you will see you may find disturbing, even shocking," Urich said during the show's introduction. "But remember: The footage you are about to see is real."

Fox owner Rupert Murdoch defended his network's decision to air the controversial show. "This disturbing imagery may be difficult for some to watch," he said. "But we feel that the public has a right to see these attacks. They really do happen."

Fox Defends Airing Of When Jews Attack jump

In a segment from Fox's controversial When Jews Attack, a tourist's home-video camera captures a sudden and violent assault on two U.S. Parks Service rangers in Redwood National Forest.

Among the show's objectionable segments: videotaped footage of a sudden, brutal attack by New Rochelle, NY, dentist Richard Rosenblatt on an unsuspecting dry cleaner. As the tape shows, tension mounted as Rosenblatt, after waiting in line more than 25 minutes to pick up his clothes at Sunrise Cleaners, became involved in a prolonged argument with dry cleaner Arthur Tong over what he described as "too much starch" in his laundry. When Tong denied that the clothes were overstarched, Rosenblatt suddenly leapt over the countertop and, without warning, began maniacally slapping the dry cleaner about the face and chest.

"It was frightening," Tong said, recalling the attack in a taped interview segment on the show. "Of course, I'd seen people being slapped by Jews on television, but you never think it'll happen to you."

Program detractors are also objecting to a segment which aired toward the end of the show, in which Chicago-area shopper Andrea Stein, complaining that "these are not the shoes I ordered," struck Payless Shoes employee Lisette Nolan in the forehead with a pair of tan leather pumps. Stein then pulled Nolan's hair until four other employees were finally able to pull her away.

"Children should not be exposed to such violent footage," said Sharon Blaine, head of the San Francisco-based What About The Children? organization. "In this day and age, we should be above such trash TV."

"I do not want my child to feel that it is acceptable to resort to hitting, kicking and pinching her siblings, like the Jews she sees on television," concerned parent Sandra Hueber said.

While most of the program's critics are condemning its offensive content, others are objecting to the message it may send the nation's Jews.

"I fear that the televised glamorization of such attacks may wind up provoking America's already-volatile Jewish population into committing further acts of battery," said Anthony Rasmussen, director of the American Center For Media Studies.

In reaction to the show, Jewish groups are calling for a boycott of Fox.

"As a Jew, I am deeply offended by this program," said B'nai B'rith International president Milton Feig during a press conference to announce the boycott. "We must send a clear message to Fox that this sort of garbage will not be tolerated." He then flew into a berserk rage, hurling ceramic vases at reporters and swinging a folding chair wildly.

Footage of Feig's attack is scheduled to air April 8, in a second installment of the show.
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29910

[Rockclimber]

Now that's some funny shit  :lol:

[satya]

my favorite onion article...

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29672

Local Jew Feels Left Out Of Worldwide Jewish Conspiracy

SOUTHFIELD, MI—It is an hour past sunset on a brisk Thursday night, and, like their brethren around the globe, the Jews of this affluent Detroit suburb are gathered in synagogues, busily hatching plots for world domination through financial chicanery and media influence. But for Seth Nussbaum, it will be just another lonely evening.

 Local Jew Feels Left Out Of Worldwide Jewish Conspiracy

Nussbaum

"For some reason, they've decided to leave me out of the worldwide Jewish conspiracy," said Nussbaum, a 34-year-old computer programmer. "And I can't say it doesn't hurt."

While his fellow Jews are controlling the flow of billions of dollars of international currency and brokering multi million-dollar entertainment deals, on this quiet night Nussbaum is making himself a frozen pizza and watching ER, far removed from any money beyond the $28,000 annual salary he receives from his job at Cyntech Industries.

"Who's to say I wouldn't enjoy hoarding a little gold every now and then?" he said, his voice tinged with bitterness. "Believe me, I'd love to be able to sneak around behind the scenes like the Elders of Zion, pulling the strings and holding the real power in society. But I guess when it comes to working the Jerusalem-New York-L.A. triangle, I just wasn't one of the chosen people."

Unlike millions of other Jews around the world, Nussbaum holds no sway over the media, has no powerful friends within the Wall Street banking community or the Trilateral Commission, and has never run a major Hollywood studio.

Enlarge Image Local Jew Feels Left Out Of Worldwide Jewish Conspiracy jump

Though its influence stretches to all corners of the globe, the worldwide Jewish conspiracy has, for mysterious reasons, neglected to include Southfield, MI, computer programmer Seth Nussbaum.

In fact, Nussbaum doesn't even own so much as his own production company. "Spielberg, Geffen, Ovitz, Eisner, Katzenberg—those are the Jews who control Hollywood," Nussbaum said. "And there's countless other Jews calling the shots at every level of the entertainment industry, from agents to producers to directors. But me? I probably couldn't even get the studio backing for a $15 to $20 million romantic comedy with a mid-level star like Matthew Broderick."

And despite being a regular subscriber to The New York Times for seven years, Nussbaum has no powerful connections among the Jews who own that and every other newspaper in the United States.

"As a left-leaning Jew, I should enjoy vast influence over the press. I should be able use the papers and television stations I own to forward my biased, liberal Jewish agenda and get Israel-supporting Democratic candidates elected to Congress," said Nussbaum, sitting on the old futon he uses as a couch. "But somehow, that's just not the case."

Spurned by his own kind, Nussbaum has not even been able to gain admittance into a secondary world-domination conspiracy like the Masons. "They turned down my application," he said, sighing deeply, "when they found out I was Jewish. I guess for now I'll just have to resign myself to being Seth Nussbaum, computer programmer and powerless Jew."