a little light humo(u)r

[holyland]

US Department of Labor Job Report and Recommendations  2010

The following information is intended to help the job seeker in today's more challenging economic environment.  Although we cannot guarantee employment, or job satisfaction, we do wish you the best of luck in your career search.

Job sharing continues to be an option for busted boomers.  A new attitude of flexibility is required in today's market, where as many as 10 people can share one job.  By carpooling, all 10 "sharers" can not only save gas, they can also spend their 9 hours off the job networking, as well as forming support groups for the permanently semi-unemployed.

Illegal immigrant:  Although not a job category in itself, it might be wise to consider repositioning yourself in the market as an illegal immigrant.  Go to Cancun as a tourist!  Come back as a Mexican. If your job search is not successful, you will at least be guaranteed subsidized housing, free medicine, and 350 hours of English lessons.

Pharmaceutical Sales Rep:  Pharmaceuticals are positioned to surge back -over the border and under the radar- as Americans continue to turn to Alternatives in Healthcare.  Income stream is of course guaranteed to be completely tax-free.  Other benefits include increased travel in the sunshine states.

Bank teller: Although this, increasingly is considered a temporary position, this job still pays anywhere up to $8 an hour.  And more importantly, for the quick study with an entrepreneurial streak, once you leave the bank, you can go home and

Print your own!  That's right.  Print your own money.  If the Fed can do it.  Why not you?

And if the abstractions of finance seem a little overwhelming, why not

Grow your own!  Food of course, American Heirloom Seeds, priced at $350 a seed, are guaranteed to the withstand global warming,  nuclear radiation, magnetic pole switch, meteor impacts, the Rapture, alien invasion, as well as plagues of locusts, terrorists attack and common household fungus.  Make sure your descendants have something to eat: Plant a seed!  Restrictions may apply.

Homeschooler: Increasingly popular, homeschooling provides an alternative to sending your child out in crime ridden streets, through collapsing infrastructure to attend classes in fistfucking with 10 year old crackheads.   Keep 'em home; keep 'em safe!  The child you save may be your own.

Bombardier:  Be all that you can be!  Join the Army!  See the world before we blow it up!  Yes, despite a $12 trillion deficit, the US is gearing up for another bombing campaign!  Don't forget, if you don't use 'em, you'll lose 'em.  So  instead, sign up and drop 'em on refugee camps, hospitals and mosques and other enemy combatant areas.  The only skill required is data entry  with a minimum typing speed of 80 words per minute.  Be all that you can be!  Become a soldier, and blow up a kindergarten today!

   Let's Not Forget

      Yes we can, yes we can
         Bomb Iran, bomb Iran

Shoah Instructor:  With scores of Holocaust Learning Centers popping up all over the country, join this fast growing career!  Kids not only need to learn how to fistfuck; they need to learn about the Holocaust.  Backed by US Department of Education funding, Holocaust education is now mandatory from kindergarten through college with refresher courses required throughout a Lifetime Learning Program!  Don't forget!
   
      There's no business like Shoah business
      There's no business I know  
      Everything about it is appealing
      Because it lets us go on stealing.

False Flag Operators: That's right. The Mossad is looking for swarthy skinned peoples to pose as Arabs and blow up US army installations, hotels, restaurants, and other heavily trafficked locations, as well as littering the areas with videos and audio tapes claiming responsibility for the now 2384 Islamic Terrorist Groups registered with the Department of State.  Training begins in  Mossad Headquarters, Herzliya, just outside sunny, Tel Aviv, Israel.  Girls!  Gays!  Fistfucking!  It's all there for you!  Free travel!  Payment in Euro Dollars!  This fast paced and exciting international career is like no other!  
Warning: there is a chance of premature death.

Homegrown Terrorist:  Why import foreign terrorists when the Homegrown version is both sturdier, better built and speaks passable English?  According to the Homegrown Terrorist Act of 1998, likely candidates include white guys, Christians, white guys, Christians, white guys, Christians.
Warning: Guaranteed premature death.

Valet Parking Attendant:  With a bigger bonuses than ever on Wall Street, the restaurant trade is booming!  Skill required: Ability to park.

Dog walker: Skill required: Ability to walk.

Organ Transplanter: The Medical Industry is booming as never before due to such innovative ideas as Organs a Go Go, going global  as this goes to print.  

   Organs a Go Goobtains fresh organs from such diverse locations as Palestinian refugee camps and English disco clubs.
Ships worldwide
arrival within 24 hours
all organs guaranteed Kosher

Gerontologists:  The nursing field continues to hold its own, particularly in the specialty of Gerontology.  

We would like to take this moment for  a Public Service Announcement.  

Seniors facing a choice between food and medication are encouraged to take the Soilent Green Option.  Such a choice affords the Senior a Blissful Demise, rather than a long, drawn out and unnecessarily painful end.  And it's an eco-friendly way to say goodbye.  Keep America Green  with Soilent Green!

Goodbye!

Disclaimer.  In today's politically charged climate and, in order to avoid any possible accusation of racial profiling, the above will no longer be referred to as "black humor."